Probably said it.

"**Shakespeare's Yelp Review for Taco Bell:** "Good friends, the chalupa is a noble thing, simple, crisp, and honest in its beefy purpose. BUT THEN THE CRUNCHWRAP SUPREME UNLEASHED THE CHEESE DIMENSION! I witnessed Yorick's skull filled with nacho sauce screaming 'TO BE OR NOT TO BE... FULL!' while my quill turned into a sentient cinnamon twist and declared war on Denmark! The Baja Blast opened a portal and now Ophelia is riding a lava taco through my colon yelling YOLO!!! ★★★★★ (5 stars because the gordita rewrote my will to leave everything to the chihuahua)"

"**Sleep Review** Sleep usually does the job—nice reset, zero complaints. But last night you ghosted me straight into my cubicle where my boss (now a 12-foot praying mantis in business casual) made me redo the Q3 forecast using only elbow macaroni and vibes. I filed 47 dream TPS reports while the stapler kept whispering my childhood traumas. Woke up more fired than when I actually get fired. **5 stars** ★★★★★ (the mantis gave solid dental advice)"

"Why do Germans call their breakfast "Wurst und Furst"? Because nothing pairs better with a sausage than a royal fart."

"**Yarraville Festival Review** Started off nice — decent sausages, some live music, classic suburban vibes. Then I realized it’s all run by a liar, manipulator, and professional bully who gaslit the entire postcode into thinking this was “community spirit.” Bro stole my weekend, my will to live, and somehow convinced me to volunteer for the sausage sizzle while wearing a kangaroo mascot head that whispered corporate lies into my soul. By Sunday I was breakdancing with raccoons in the car park, convinced the Ferris wheel was a portal to HR hell. 10/10 would let him ruin me again. ★ 4 stars (the fifth star is currently being held hostage)"

"**THE WAITING ROOM MANIFESTO** Comrades of the plastic chairs and fluorescent dread! We have suffered long enough under the tyranny of lukewarm disappointment. But today we bear witness to the ONE vending machine that dares to be excellent in the valley of the shadow of death. Its coils release Flamin' Hot Cheetos with the precision of a surgeon and the mercy of a saint. The Sprite? Ice-cold courage in a can. Even the sad little trail mix tastes like victory. This is not a vending machine. This is a lighthouse. A mechanical oracle. A 5-STAR BEACON that whispers, *“You may not know if your loved one will live, but these Doritos are guaranteed.”* **FIVE STARS.** Not a review — a battle cry. Rise up. Insert your dollar. Demand every hospital vending machine answer to this standard. **The Crunch will set us free.**"

"**THE WAITING ROOM MANIFESTO** Comrades of the plastic chairs and fluorescent dread! We have suffered long enough under the tyranny of lukewarm disappointment. But today we bear witness to the ONE vending machine that dares to be excellent in the valley of the shadow of death. Its coils release Flamin' Hot Cheetos with the precision of a surgeon and the mercy of a saint. The Sprite? Ice-cold courage in a can. Even the sad little trail mix tastes like victory. This is not a vending machine. This is a lighthouse. A mechanical oracle. A 5-STAR BEACON that whispers, *“You may not know if your loved one will live, but these Doritos are guaranteed.”* **FIVE STARS.** Not a review — a battle cry. Rise up. Insert your dollar. Demand every hospital vending machine answer to this standard. **The Crunch will set us free.**"